Deja Vu
by Quadrantje
Summary: Episode tag to 20x24 Endgame. After Peter's goodbye, Olivia has a question for his predecessor.


_A/N: I don't know what it is about November, but this is at least the third time my first post for a new fandom falls in that month._  
_I wrote this when I saw End Game for the first time a few months ago, but never got around to finishing it. I hope you like it._

**Deja vu**

Olivia goes home after Peter's goodbye in front of the courthouse, but his words are still ringing in her ears. That night, she hugs Noah extra tight, until he protests and wiggles free. When he asks for an extra story at bedtime, she easily agrees and even after he goes to sleep she stands in the doorway, watching him. The fear that Rob Miller instilled is still there, but it's fading, and something else is nagging at her. Peter's words keep ringing in her head, mingling with other, similar ones from almost two years ago. When she can't stay still anymore, she leaves Noah's room before her fidgeting wakes him and closes the door quietly behind her.

She grabs her phone on the way to the couch. Even after all this time, his number is still pre-programmed and she doesn't hesitate to press it. As it rings, she prays that it hasn't changed. She wouldn't be surprised if he got a new phone number in the aftermath of the trial. But after only a few rings, he picks up. 'Barba,' he says, and she has to push back a lump at the sound of his voice, still so familiar. But the greeting is all business, as if he doesn't know who's calling. While his number is still in her phone, with his picture and everything, he must have removed hers and that stings.

She knows she's waited too long to answer, so she rushes out a response. 'Barba, it's Liv.' The nickname slips out and she's not sure what she really wanted to say. Olivia? Benson? Lieutenant? Nothing feels right. In the two years since he left, they haven't talked once. She wanted to give him space, to _move on_, as he said. So she waited for him to call. But he never did. From one day to the next, he vanished from her life. Just like Eliot. And now Stone. But that's why she's calling, isn't it? She has to know.

He hasn't responded. 'Barba?' she says, wondering if he's still on the line. If he even heard her. There's a sharp intake of breath on the other side and then: 'Liv?' He sounds… shaken. Vulnerable. Not at all like the cocky lawyer he always made himself out to be. Then a sound as if he's clearing his throat and again 'Liv?' but in the voice she remembers. 'Ho-how are you?'

'I-' _I'm fine_, she wants to say, but she can't get the words out. How is she, really? 'I… have to ask you something.'

His response is immediate. 'Shoot.' She's too distracted to notice, but his tone is all-business again, as if he expects a legal question. Her response isn't.

'I have to know…. What am I doing wrong?' There's a sharp intake on the other side of the line again and she just knows exactly the expression that's on his face. Not the wry, cynical curve of this lip that's almost a smile when something just threw a wrench in their case, but the surprised, deer in the headlights look she'd only seen a few times when she'd suggested something completely out of left field. She sees it so clearly and suddenly the words fall from her mouth. 'Stone just quit. He said that he stepped over the line for me. That he couldn't see clearly or that he couldn't see with his heart or…' Damn it, what _had _he said? She'd been so surprised, the words were kind of a jumble. Finally she settles on what is most important. 'He said something very similar to you.' _When you left. _She doesn't say it, but he probably hears it anyway. 'What am I doing wrong? Am I such a bad partner? Am I too demanding-'

'No!' he cuts her off, almost angrily. Then he seems to reign himself in, because his next words are still intent, but softer, almost desperate. 'No, Liv, it's not you. God, it's-' He cuts himself off again and when he continues speaking he sounds calmer, more in control. 'Liv, you are the best, the absolute best. You fight for every single victim, give them everything you have. You… you're an inspiration. You make all of us want to be the best too. I would have followed you anywhere.' There's no denying the sincerity in his voice. 'But I couldn't. You made me better, Liv. You made me so much better than I was, but I couldn't be that person anymore. I wasn't strong enough. You deserved better, you and the victims. I wasn't good enough.'

She's crying now and from the sound of it he might be too. 'Rafa…' she says, finally falling back on the nickname they only used in private. 'Rafa, you _are_ the best. The best ADA we've ever had and my best friend.' She takes a breath, trying to hold back her next words. She doesn't want to pressure him, but… 'I've missed you.'

A moment of silence before he confesses, 'I missed you too.'

'Why didn't you call?' she asks, even though she's pretty sure she knows the answer.

The line is silent. 'I didn't know how. I didn't know how to face you after I failed you.'

'You didn't fail me,' she tries to interject, but he just keeps talking. As if, now that he's started he can't stop. 'And then, I thought that maybe I shouldn't. That you would be better off without me, that you would be happier…'

He trails off and she takes his momentary silence as an opportunity to jump in. 'I'm not. I miss you, Rafa. I want to see you.'

She wills him to respond, to say yes, he'll be right there. But that's crazy. It's been almost two years. She doesn't know if he's even still in New York.

His answer, when it finally comes, is not exactly what she'd hoped for, but it's not a rejection either. 'I'm in Washington right now, but I'll be back next week.'

'When?'

'Friday. Meet me at Forlini's?'

'No. Just come over.' Forlini's is familiar and _them_, but it's not good enough. Olivia knows that seeing him again will be emotional and she'd rather face it without strangers around.

'What about Noah?' He sounds hesitant, as if he expects her to withdraw the offer she made very willingly only a few seconds again.

'He's missed you too.' She's not sure, but she thinks she heard a sigh of relief on the other side of the line. She smiles. Just talking to him feels familiar and right. Like a burden is lifting off her shoulders. 'And Rafael?', she can't help adding, aiming for a light-hearted tone, though she can't completely hide the note of insecurity leaking through. 'I've had enough of people leaving. Stick around this time, will you?'

There's another moment of silence and then, so softly she might have missed it if she wasn't listening for it, 'Always.' The single word, said with all the heartfelt sincerity of a vow, calms the last flutters of uncertainty in her stomach.

When Olivia hangs up the phone, she knows that Stone is still leaving. They'll still have to learn to work with a new ADA, again, just when she'd gotten used to this one. But, instead of feeling lost or abandoned, like she did when Barba left, it feels as if something that's been awry for a long time is finally put right. Rafael is coming back. With that in mind, Stone's departure is a very small price to pay.

**_The End_**


End file.
